Monthly Archives: November 2012

Coping with Miscarriage

It’s been a couple of days and I’m still trying to process what I’m feeling.  It goes in waves – sadness, anger, jealousy, fear and, at some points, normalcy.

My true source of comfort really has been all of the blog comments, emails, phone calls, texts, tweets, flowers, cards and everything else that I have received.  So thank you so much for that.  Really.  I had no idea how much this would hurt and how much just hearing people say that they were thinking of us would help.  A lot of the comments mentioned Jason as well, and I know he appreciated that too. I only responded to the first couple, but really thanks so much to everyone who left one, even if it was to say that you didn’t know what to say. Don’t worry; I wouldn’t have known either.

Flowers

It’s funny.  When you find out you’re pregnant, the general rule of thumb, if you will, is that you don’t tell people until 12 weeks because at 12 weeks, you’re sort of in the clear.  I guess the thinking is that if people don’t know in the first place, if something bad happens, you won’t have to tell them.  And while I’m glad that I didn’t announce it to the world, or facebook, I can’t really imagine going through this without other people knowing and giving their support.  After writing that last blog post, a lot of people emailed me to tell me that it had happened to them.  Honestly, I had no idea.  I have a couple of friends who went through it but I generally sort of thought that most people didn’t and if you had a baby, you probably had the baby easily.  It really did help to hear that I wasn’t alone.

I went back to work today.  That was hard.  I spent the last two days basically sitting on the couch watching House Hunters and feeling sorry for myself.  Waking up this morning and realizing that, like it or not, I had to move on definitely elicited some tears.

I didn’t get a lot of work done today.  I’m not sure exactly what I did really.  But by the end of the day, I definitely felt better than I did in the beginning and I’m guessing that every day will be like that and that one day (hopefully sooner rather than later), I will feel normal again.

Loss

Well, here’s a post that I didn’t want to ever write.  Writing is therapeutic for me, however, and not writing about it but continuing to write about things like kale (though I just ate some) and hummus just seemed wrong.  My blog is very personal and this is a personal thing that happened to me.

I was about 9 weeks pregnant.  Until I wasn’t.

We found out in mid-October after trying for about 4-5 months.  We had the typical first time pregnancy feelings, I guess.  Excitement, nervousness, anticipation.  We told our parents right away.  We told some of our friends (suddenly drinking club soda when everyone knows I always have white wine is a little bit of a giveaway).  I’m not sure when I started to worry, whether it was right away or not.  I have anxiety issues in general, so when I began to really start to worry that something was wrong, I chalked it up to that.  And maybe it was just my typical anxiety, who knows?

I didn’t have any symptoms.  Well, except for the missed period.  Nothing.  People told me that I was lucky, but part of me really wished I was hunched over the toilet puking because it meant something.  I was more tired than usual and running felt harder, so eventually I just thought what other people said, I was lucky.  When we went in for the first ultrasound, I thought I was around 8 and a half weeks.  The baby measured just under 7.  It had a heartbeat, however, so when they told me that my dates were off, I thought maybe they were, though part of me knew that the math just didn’t compute.

Because of the baby measuring small and because I had something called a subchorionic hemorrhage (blood near the sac, but usually ends up being okay and not threatening), they wanted me to come back in two weeks instead of the normal four.  My appointment was scheduled for this upcoming Thursday.  On Saturday, I started to spot.  It was light and lots of things that I read said that it could possibly from the subchorionic hemorrhage expelling.  But on Sunday, it got heavier and redder and by today, it felt and looked a period.

I didn’t have cramping, so I was still somewhat cautiously optimistic that things could be okay.  I called the doctor and told them that though my appointment was on Thursday, I needed to come in today.  Jason went with me and the way my doctor is, you get the ultrasound first.  Last time when I had one, the first thing the technician said was, “there’s the heartbeat” and told us what it was.  This time, she just started clicking things on the screen.   I think I knew at this point but I asked.  And she said in a very quiet voice, “I am not able to detect a heartbeat.”

And that’s what happened.  I have to get the D&C tomorrow.  The doctor said that it was likely due to a chromosomal abnormality.  I know this happens to lots of people.  It doesn’t make it hurt or suck less.

Sometimes I feel okay and other times I cry.  I have a secret baby pinboard on Pinterest (you can do secret boards now).  I ordered a pair of maternity jeans because The Gap was having a good sale on Friday.  I am subscribed to a bunch of baby emails.  This is what you get when you change your settings on Baby Center.

Screen shot 2012 11 26 at 7 40 59 PM

That made me cry.

I’ll be okay.  It just sucks right now.  I know these things happen, but they weren’t supposed to happen to me.  I guess everyone feels like that.  You can bet your ass that I’m having a big-ass glass of wine tomorrow (I can’t have one tonight before the procedure – I asked) and some RAW sushi.

4-Day Weekend

Don’t you think the world would be a happier place if every weekend was a 4-day weekend?  I’ll even venture to say that it would be a happier place if every weekend was a 4-day weekend.  Now it’s coming to an end, but having 4 days off, especially since I just stayed home was a good way to recharge.  Now if only it could be 5-day weekend.

Friday was spent eating pie:

Pumpkin pie

Jason was not a fan of the crustless pie concept, so he took it upon himself to build a crust under his with graham crackers.  Ha.

Pumpkin pie crust

And also going to the gym and doing some potential living room furniture buying.  Although we didn’t end up buying anything.  We got hungry, instead, and went to Lee’s Bakery, which is a Vietnamese place that has, in additional to the regular kind, vegan pho.

Vegan pho

On Friday night, we went to this bar that’s near our house for trivia.  We were kind of excited when we realized that there were only three teams playing because it gave us a better chance to win.  Excited until, after three questions, the manager of the bar got on the microphone and cancelled the trivia because there were only three teams.  Fail.

Saturday included more gymming and then a nap and grocery shopping.  Jason really wanted to watch the USC vs Clemson game.  At first we thought about going somewhere to watch it, but didn’t exactly know where and I wasn’t thrilled about going out to eat again, so ultimately we decided to just watch in our living room.  I promised to make healthy, or somewhat healthy, game day food and decided on a 7-layer dip.

7 layer dip

Healthier Vegetarian 7-Layer Dip

Ingredients

1 can refried beans
12 ounces soy crumbles (we used Morningstar farms)
1/2 cup salsa (divided)
shredded lettuce
3 small tomatoes, diced
2 avocados, diced
1 container of plain Greek Yogurt (we used Chobani 2%)
1/2 cup low-fat Mexican cheese
1 TBSP taco seasoning

Directions

1.  Heat the soy crumbles up in a pan. When they are heated, add taco seasoning and 1/4 cup salsa.
2.  Mix the remaining salsa with the yogurt.
3.  Spread the refried beans on the bottom of a large baking dish.  
4.  Layer the soy crumbles on top, then the yogurt/salsa mixture, lettuce, tomatoes, avocados and finally the cheese.
5.  Serve with chips.

7 layer dip chip

 

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