While I’ve been doing normal things like cooking (Coconut red curry noodles):
and going to fun concerts,
I’ve really been sort of struggling with just not feeling like myself. I’m still kind of feeling out of sorts still from the miscarriage (more mad/frustrated than sad lately), but I realized that it’s also because there’s been another thing missing from my life. Running.
Truth be told, my running has been sporadic since my last half-marathon, which was back in March. I’d been running 3 miles a couple times a week since then but not usually any more. After I found out I was pregnant, I sort of stopped running all together. I’m not sure if it was just in my head, but running felt harder, so I rationalized that I could stop doing it. We did a 5K in the beginning of November, but I didn’t run for time at all. And that was really the last time I ran more than a mile or so.
After the miscarriage, I was told that I couldn’t do any sort of activity for two weeks. For the first week, I didn’t do anything but that second week, I did some low-impact stuff and on Monday, I ran a little bit, but was sort of scared, so I didn’t really push it. I had a follow-up appointment yesterday and my doctor said that everything looked healed and I was cleared for activity. So today I decided to run.
I wish I could tell you that I hopped back on that treadmill and ran and it was glorious. But it wasn’t. It sucked. I’m out of shape! Plus I had a bad stomachache. (It was not related to the running; it was from these coconut almonds that I had eaten earlier in the day, I think. Apparently, rebiana bothers my stomach too. And anyway, they tasted like sunscreen.) I had to take a bunch of walk breaks. Seriously.
I used to be able to run over 3 miles in that time. And while the running sucked, for the time that I was doing it, I was focusing on the running sucking. I wasn’t focusing on being sad or pissed off or anything. I was focusing on why this felt so difficult and cursing the treadmill. And also cursing people out who kept stepping on my jacket. Well, in my head at least.
And you know what, after it was done, as much as it sucked, I really did feel like myself. If it had been easy, I probably wouldn’t have.