This is going to be one of those TMI posts. One with period talk as a bonus and no pictures either. You’ve been warned!
I had a miscarriage exactly eight weeks ago. I haven’t really blogged about it lately, but it doesn’t mean that I haven’t thought about it. That’s not to say that it’s always on my mind though, because it’s definitely not and mostly I feel like myself.
Really, I sort of feel like I was never pregnant. I only knew about my pregnancy for a little over a month (I was approximately 9 weeks when I was told there was no heartbeat) and I didn’t get far enough long for it to feel real. So I sort of feel like I never was. It’s kind of surreal.
What does make it feel real though is that here it is eight weeks later and I still haven’t gotten my period back. Google searches have led me to believe everything from it’s normal to my insides are incredibly messed up and I’m doomed to a life of infertility. I was actually supposed to call the doctor, who I saw two weeks ago and does not seem concerned, today if it didn’t come back, but I think I’m going to wait until the end of the month. I’d rather it come back on its own than take a hormone to induce it, though I will if need be.
There was a time when we were thinking about strollers and names and now I’m hoping that I’m actually going to be able to use that tampon coupon I have before it expires. When I started to bleed before the miscarriage, I’d go into the bathroom praying not to see any blood. Now it’s the total opposite. And now I’ve probably totally grossed you out too. (True story about the tampon coupon, by the way.)
Honestly, I don’t think about babies at all right now – just my lack of a period. And hopefully when it finally returns, I can close this chapter and start anew, but I’m still waiting. One thing that bothers more than anything is the fact that I was robbed of a chance to enjoy being pregnant. I don’t doubt that I’ll be able to get pregnant again (though Dr. Google sometimes can be very scary), but I do doubt that I’ll ever fully enjoy it the way that a woman who has not experienced miscarriage can.
Sorry this is such a downer post. It’s not meant to be. I started out writing about how I had nothing to write about and this is what came out.