This is going to be one of those TMI posts. One with period talk as a bonus and no pictures either. You’ve been warned!
I had a miscarriage exactly eight weeks ago. I haven’t really blogged about it lately, but it doesn’t mean that I haven’t thought about it. That’s not to say that it’s always on my mind though, because it’s definitely not and mostly I feel like myself.
Really, I sort of feel like I was never pregnant. I only knew about my pregnancy for a little over a month (I was approximately 9 weeks when I was told there was no heartbeat) and I didn’t get far enough long for it to feel real. So I sort of feel like I never was. It’s kind of surreal.
What does make it feel real though is that here it is eight weeks later and I still haven’t gotten my period back. Google searches have led me to believe everything from it’s normal to my insides are incredibly messed up and I’m doomed to a life of infertility. I was actually supposed to call the doctor, who I saw two weeks ago and does not seem concerned, today if it didn’t come back, but I think I’m going to wait until the end of the month. I’d rather it come back on its own than take a hormone to induce it, though I will if need be.
There was a time when we were thinking about strollers and names and now I’m hoping that I’m actually going to be able to use that tampon coupon I have before it expires. When I started to bleed before the miscarriage, I’d go into the bathroom praying not to see any blood. Now it’s the total opposite. And now I’ve probably totally grossed you out too. (True story about the tampon coupon, by the way.)
Honestly, I don’t think about babies at all right now – just my lack of a period. And hopefully when it finally returns, I can close this chapter and start anew, but I’m still waiting. One thing that bothers more than anything is the fact that I was robbed of a chance to enjoy being pregnant. I don’t doubt that I’ll be able to get pregnant again (though Dr. Google sometimes can be very scary), but I do doubt that I’ll ever fully enjoy it the way that a woman who has not experienced miscarriage can.
Sorry this is such a downer post. It’s not meant to be. I started out writing about how I had nothing to write about and this is what came out.
Google diagnosis can be a scary thing. I make myself paranoid on WebMD all the time.
Hope you get to use that coupon soon.
It definitely is because you tend to ignore all the things that say it’s nothing and focus in on the ones that are something. At least I do!
Hang in there, lady. It’s a crappy wait, regardless of when it starts back again. Just be gentle with your body. And yourself. xo
Thanks Em!
I can imagine that the waiting would be so hard. But I’m sure everything will work out in the end! And don’t listen to Google, it’s always wrong.
Dr. Google MD is the best and worst. I find myself getting him to say whatever I want to hear when I want positive news and everything I don’t when I’m anxious. I’m thinking of you and hoping everything gets back to normal on its own!!
I’m so sorry Lee! This really sucks. I have never experienced a miscarriage so I can’t even imagine what that is like, but I went off the pill in July of 2011 and it wasn’t until August of 2012 that I started to consistently get my period back. And by consistent I mean, some of my cycles were 45 days long while others were in a more normal range. It made me kind of crazy thinking about it. For a long time, I wondered if something was really wrong with me, but was scared to let me OB/GYN pump me full of hormones as they inevitably do if you complain to them about a lack of period. I hope and pray everything with you turns out great and you have your period back soon. And I totally agree with Lauren above me. Don’t let Google get to you and please don’t look at those message boards. I swear 33% of those people are delusional or are just making things up to scare people. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.
When I stopped taking the pill, I actually got my period back right away, but it’s never quite been regular. For months it would be and then I’d just skip a month for no apparent reason.
As for the message boards, I think that the people who post on them are posting because they are looking for other people who are going through the same thing. For example, when I started to bleed, I googled “bleeding during pregnancy” and “spotting during pregnancy” a ton and came up with a few posts with people who said it was nothing, but mostly ones with people who were having a miscarriage. I think that’s because the people who are fine don’t really flock to message boards to post about it, you know? So it seems like everyone has something wrong, but really it’s because those are the people looking for others to related to. At least that’s what I think about it. But it’s definitely scary when you’re awaiting some sort of diagnosis.
((hug)) not a downer post at all…I would be fearing the same, the worst, googling it all. But trust and faith will get you through, hang in there.
I’d be googling ALL about it. I hope it gets resolved soon– I hate worrying about stuff like that. It just hangs over you, I know.
UGH on the waiting. Inducing it might trigger your body to return to normal. We tried for almost 2 years to get pregnant before I got pregnant with B and it was because my period kept disappearing. I’d have it for a few months like clockwork and then it would go MIA again. I did every test under the sun, was diagnosed with unexplained infertility, and took a few fertility drugs (Clomid and Femara). I stopped with the drugs and just took prometrium (progestrone) and the next cycle I was pregnant. Go figure.
I hope you get it soon – and if not definitely go to the Dr!
My period has gone through disappearing acts too. Nothing really extreme, but it’d be regular for a couple months and then not come for 6 weeks. I had to take something to induce it once like 7-8 years ago, but after I took it, it was normal (as normal as mine gets) after that.
The only reason that I didn’t call the doctor on Tuesday, which I didn’t get into in the post, is that I think maybe I ovulated the weekend before last, so I figured that I’d wait and see. I’m sure you wanted to know about my ovulation cycle. Ha!
Ha ha! I have soooo been there. Wo-hoo for possible ovulation! (oh the things you never thought you would get excited about)
I’m so sorry things are still not working correctly – hopefully it will work itself out, but I agree with Laura that WebMD can be a little crazy sometimes.
one procedure had me totally scared du to constant googleing. one post in a forum stood out though and happened to be by far the most accurat “It wasn’t as bad as Google made me fear!” i think horror stories end up online b/c they want to vent….people w/ more standard results are out living (& buying tampons….and maybe baby shoes)
I agree with this. When I first had the miscarriage, I frequented miscarriage forums because I wanted to hear about others who had the same experience, what it was like for them, etc. But if you go on those boards, it seems like everyone has had a miscarriage (or whatever the health concern is). Like you said, it’s because the ones that turn out to be okay aren’t posting about it.
This isn’t a downer post at all. It’s good that you’re able to talk about this. I would avoid too much of Dr. Google though, he can be a real pain in the ass. Stress can cause your period to delay too, so I wouldn’t worry too much, though I know that’s much easier said than done.
as someone who’s had only a handful of periods over several years i completely understand the angst that youre describing…the hoping and praying for the sight of blood with each visit to the bathroom.
its a miserable wait. i dont think i thought my pregnancy was real until well into the second trimester bc it just didnt seem possible. so i think youre right about all those millions of women out there who struggle to get knocked up, i doubt i enjoyed it as much in the beginning. i was so cautious to get my hopes up, you know?
avoid dr google. you can talk yourself into and out of every symptoms, ailment, and life threatening condition under the sun.
anyway, before i ramble off on some tangent. i just wanted to say that if you need proof that its possible to get pregnant without a period, im your girl. i went years (lots. plural) without a period. it was awesome at the time. just think of all the $ i saved on tampons! and then suddenly we wanted to try to have a kid and i all i wanted – more than anything in the world – was my freakin period! it never came btw. i didnt take any hormones to make it come either. i had absolutely no period leading up to getting pregnant. so even though we dont “know” each other necessarily, at least im a real person, and not some google search result story or friend of a friend of a friend of a friend, and now maybe the knowledge that you dont need your period to get pregnant can be a little light of hope.
ps i bet you get your period the day after that coupon expires. bc thats how the world works.
How did you know you were pregnant if you don’t really get a period? Did you just take tests all the time? My doctor advised me to wait two cycles (though apparently all doctors have a differing opinion on this) before trying again so my uterine lining would build back up.
yup. once we started trying i was taking them all. the. time. i even started alternating where i bought the tests because i was semi-embarrassed (it sounds stupid, but whatever).
any time i knew i was going to drink (like if we had a weekend away or fancy dinner or wedding or something planned) i took a test too. just in case.
i got a negative one about a week or so before i got the positive one, so the frequency of my testing turned out to be important, even though it seemed insane at the time. but if you never get your period, how else would you know?? in hindsight, it was my boobs that should have been the clue. they were SO huge and achy and that was definitely different. im not sure how reliable those ovulation kits are. if anything temperature is probably the best way to track things. it still follows the same ovulation pattern even if you dont get your period. weird stuff.
While I have absolutely NO experience here, I can pop by to offer a shoulder for support. I can’t even imagine the range of emotions and frustration and confusion this ‘in between’ time must feel like. Sending you a giant virtual hug (and ps don’t worry about TMI, this is YOUR blog right??)