Kind of Lost the Appeal

I’m not sure if it’s blogging itself that’s lost its appeal lately or it’s just the fact that I feel like I can’t identify with most other bloggers anymore (some exceptions, of course!)  You’d think that if it were the latter, that wouldn’t have any effect on my blogging frequency, but at one point, I felt like I was part, at least to some small degree, of a community and I really don’t feel like that anymore.  Maybe it’s me or maybe blogging is a dying trend?

I used to read a lot about people who felt insecure when they read other blogs.  The other blogger would be a faster runner or more fit or even have more blog readers.  That never seemed to bother me.  I have always been at an average runner who’s in okay shape with a very small readership and that was always okay.  But then I got pregnant.

Geez, can I write about anything else anymore?  Look, a picture of something that’s not a baby.

Candy2

Every time I take a piece of candy from a co-worker’s candy jar, I have to start a new post-it.  My record is 6 days.  And I wonder why I still can’t lose all the baby weight.

I have a lot of residual anger regarding my pregnancy.  I should probably just let it dissipate but I can’t seem to.  Everything turned out okay in the end but weeks upon weeks of hearing that something could be wrong with the baby (and then again after he was born), well that just takes a toll on a person.  And when all of that happened, I got a little, “why me?” but it wasn’t exactly, “why me?” It was more like, “Why isn’t anyone I know going through shit like this besides me?”  So then I stopped reading happy pregnancy blogs.  Jealousy at its finest.

So then I had the baby.  And in my mind, I was going to be that mom that I read about.  The one that instantly loses all the baby weight and is suddenly a size four, even though I’ve never been a size four like ever, breast feeds and is a big proponent of babywearing and cloth diapering.  Okay, I never intended to cloth diaper, but I liked the idea of being someone who did. Because yay earth.

And a big fat none of that happened.  See the candy jar post-it above for the answer to the baby weight thing but the rest of it, just not in the cards, I guess.  I had this idea in my head that I was going to be this [skinny] crunchy mama but well, I’m just not.

And that’s why I stopped reading a lot of other blogs.  Because I need to be okay with the mother that I am.  And also, my kid does eat [mostly] organic foods, so there.  And double also, I’m wearing natural deodorant.  And I think my armpits smell.

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11 Responses to Kind of Lost the Appeal

  1. I laughed out loud several times reading your post. NOT laughing at your struggle. Not.At.All. Laughing because I love your honesty. LOVE IT! I would read your blog over a blog where the momma acts like everything is perfect because you know what??, it is not. One day, the anger will disappear.

  2. I love your blog and your honesty! Just wanted to let you know. :)

  3. This post makes me adore you. If I was going to be a mom, I’d want to do it Lee-style. Alas, I miss whatever maternal gene most women have. But I’ll smile and wave and all the blogger babies from a safe, poo-free distance. LOL! Actually, I don’t mind them as long as I can pat them and give them back.

    The candy post-it is brilliant. And natural deodorant it total bullshit. Doesn’t work.

  4. Firstmate mommy

    I love your blog. I just started blogging and I love your honesty. I know exactly what you were going through in terms of a difficult pregnancy. Plus after the baby was born. I have 4 and 2 on the way and with each I had a hard time and when they were born things didn’t go well. Your doing a great job and your my kind of mom.

  5. First Mate Mommy

    Also anyone can paint any picture they want to make things better. I stopped reading a lot of blogs where moms seemed to have everything perfect.

  6. I’ve been a quiet lurker of your blog for a while now, especially since Alexander was born within days of my own daughter. Your blog has been SO REFRESHING for me to read. I also thought I’d be this breastfeeding cuddly goo goo gaa totin’ my baby all around town kind of momma too. Well, breastfeeding didn’t work out for us, my daughter hates being strapped to me, although she doesn’t mind me holding her all the time which would be fine if I had four arms and hands instead of just two of each, and while I wouldn’t give up my daughter for anything, I still get wistful for the days when my husband and I could go out to a late weekend matinee, have dinner afterwards, wile away the time, and basically not worry about naps, bedtimes, feedings, and all things baby. Just wanted to let you know that your words are appreciated :)

  7. aww! you are a fantastic mother. social media can be such a devil sometimes in terms of comparisionitis (not that you are comparing, I am speaking from personal experience) and everyone is different, every pregnancy, every body, yet the ones that rise above, the stories, are the ones about the fast weight loss/bounce back into shape and seeing so many of those has got to take its toll, never mind how rough you had it during your pregnancy anyway, with all of the fears and worries about your son. Just know that you are the best mother to your son, the best wife to your husband. and none of the others matter, in the social media scape. xo

  8. Hugs Lee. You’ve had a tough road, but you are doing great and Alexander is precious. Not like you ever feel 100% about your parenting, but it’s especially challenging the first time around when you’re feeling things out. Everyone has their challenges, the blog world lets you paint any picture you want though ;)

  9. Hi Lee, I kind of fell off the blogging earth (I used to write Low and Behold a million years ago it seems), but I’ve been reading your blog the whole time. I think the way you’ve handled the stress and bumps of the past few years is nothing short of amazing. I can’t relate to much baby stuff, but I find your blog to be a perfect balance of life, truth and baby. I often want to get back to blogging, because I miss it, but it did lose its appeal for me in many ways. All that said, I just wanted to comment and let you know I’ve been thinking of you and I’m so happy things have gotten better and you have such a wonderful little man in your life now.

  10. I am having the same blogging issues these days. I just seem to have lost where I am in it all. Life has gotten busier and I just can’t seem to find the time to catch up and then…I feel like I’ve lost track of what everyone is doing. I think you’re an awesome mom. Being a mom is not easy no matter how you look at it. While we may not have the exact same struggles, we have our own struggles. You know already that I miscarried twice between my boys. Once I finally had Max, which was the worst pregnancy where I bled the entire time and was a raging bitch, he was born with a less than glamorous delivery where I had the worst back labor even with an epidural (yeah, I was one of those moms) and a day after we got him home, he developed a massive random knot on the top of his head. It was a cephalhematoma (a bruise on the skull) from delivery (no forceps or vacuum, just random). Freaked me out! Then at 9 weeks, I discover that he has a massive hernia (that scared the hell out of me changing that diaper) that needed surgery (um, my baby under the knife!!!) and when they got in there, he actually had a double hernia and the re-circumsiced him because that was done incorrectly. Then from laying on his back so much due to the surgery, his head was misshaped and he needed to wear a helmet…he was so little and that was sooooo heavy! Anyway, I guess all of this is to say that you’re not alone in the way you feel. Things are not always as they seem (all rosy and what not for others), you just happen to share your true self and I think that’s awesome!

    Also, I love the sticky note! Too funny!

  11. It’s got to be hard to be a mom today, with so many expectations of what you “should” do. For hundreds of years there were way less “should do” rules and people turned out just fine. I hope you are able to trust yourself and that you’re doing GREAT and perfection isn’t real anyway. :)

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